"If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or tax collector." - Matthew 18:15-17
Conflict is natural to everyday life at home, work or play. It is a human condition because we are people of different tastes, abilities, passions and minds. If we ignore this reality then we become vulnerable to frequent moments of conflict. Ignoring or unresolved conflict compounds the effects of earlier problems and makes future conflict more severe. Ignoring conflict reveals our thoughtlessness towards others and toward ourselves.
You may feel inadequate about how to go about resolving problems that come up but we are not without help. People experienced in the Christian approach to conflict can assist you. The Bible is the best resource to resolve problems and conflicts between people. It takes work, but it is work that will reap dividends.
First thing to do is to accept the conflict. Do not deny it, hide it or ignore it. Conflict is a truly necessary ingredient in any human relationship. People will be people and conflict will sometimes arise. If we knew more about one another and what lies beneath the surface of one another, less conflict would arise. But because we all struggle with pride and other sins, accept that conflict can happen even among the best of friends.
Next we should keep in mind that each of us brings a sack full of "stuff" into our relationships. Habits cause us to respond to conflict in unhelpful ways. Fears, insecurities, hurts and humiliations are the "stuff" we carry and will influence our response to the problem and others. Look for the remnants of your past that are confusing their view.
Thirdly, conflict should never be about winning or losing. As Christians it should be about improving everyone involved. What is a better way to understand the problem? What personal insight can we gain together? Can we both achieve our goals with a different approach? See the other person as having an equally important desire for a good outcome as do you. Remember, both sides have a kernel of truth in their views of things.
Next, disagreements should never digress. That is to say that you must stay focused on the issue and allow other matters to cloud the central point of disagreement. It is easy to attack the person or their behaviors that have no bearing on the matter at the center of the conflict. When you find yourself sliding away from the issue, stop and refocus. Stay as focused as you can to limit the spread of a greater conflict.
Finally, conflict needs to reach an end that includes both parties voicing their "sorrys" and a mutually agreed solution. Compromise and bending may be required. But that is the life of the Christian, seeking the best for others and living as servants to all.
